HCANA Newsletter
The following articles are not the view points of the Hill Country Area of Narcotics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous. These are recovering addicts experiences in recovery. Below the articles one will find poems. To have an article listed in our news letter simply email it to articles. You do not have to be a member of the Hill Country Area of Narcotics Anonymous to post your Article on our web site. We do ask that you are a member of Narcotics Anonymous.
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Articles
" Wasted Time
"
The time
that I've wasted is my biggest regret,
spent in these places that I'll never forget.
Just sitting and thinking about the things that I've done,
the crying, the laughing, the hurt and the fun.
Now it's just me and my hard driven guilt,
behind a wall of emptiness I allowed to be built.
I'm trapped
in my body just wanting to run,
back to my youth with it's laughter and fun,
The chase is over there's no place to hide,
everything is gone including my pride.
With reality suddenly right in my face,
I'm scared, alone and stuck in this place.
Memories
of the past flash through my head,
the pain is obvious the tears that I shed.
I ask myself why and where I went wrong,
I guess I was weak when I should've been strong.
Living for the drugs and the wings I has grown,
my feels were lost, afraid to be shown.
As I
look at my past it's so easy to see,
the fear that I had, afraid to be me.
I pretended to be rugged, so fast, and so cool,
when I was actually lost like a blinded fool.
I'm getting to old for tiresome game,
of acting real hard with no sense of shame.
It's
time that I change and get on with my life,
fulfilling my dreams of having a family and being a good wife.
What my future holds I really don't know,
but the years that I've wasted are starting to show.
Now I live for the day when I'll get a new start,
with the dreams I hold deep in my heart.
I hope
I can make it,
I at least have to try.
Cause I'm headed toward death,
and I don't want to die...
Author
: Anonymous
HEY! WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO….?
Have
you ever been sitting around talking after a meeting and asked or heard someone
ask…. “whatever happened to….?” I can’t count
the number of times I have heard that question asked. In fact I have asked
that question a few times. Hopefully they moved and continued their recovery
where ever they moved, however, most of the time that isn’t the case.
So why do we lose people back to the disease of addiction?
First thing we need to look at is impatience and intolerance. These are our
two big enemies in recovery. Complacency is another one that will bite you
on your rear. In fact there are several factors that can contribute to this.
So what do we do not to be one of the recovering addicts that simply disappear
from the fellowship? I know at times we all have had the feelings of just
walking away to never return. To be honest I have told myself a few times
in recovery….If this is what its about I don’t need this. As a
matter of fact, this has happened twice in my recovery. This wasn’t
about NA. It was about the actions of a very few sick people in recovery.
The single most important lesson that I have learned in this process is to
accept all recovering addicts for who, what, and where they are today. If
they are truly living the steps they will change in time (well most of the
time). Working the steps with a good sponsor is one of the keys of recovery.
Having a good conscious contact with your higher power is another key. In
fact there are several keys in recovery and lets not forget Honesty, Open-mindedness,
and Willingness = HOW.
Service has been a major part of my recovery for several years now and I couldn’t
imagine it not being a part of my recovery. This is the way I am sponsored.
Most of my sponsee’s are involved in service and hopefully they will
get their sponsee’s involved in service. I will say this. I do not call
this service work as I have a job and being of service is one of the ways
I give back to the program of Narcotics Anonymous. In other words, those who
stay involved usually stay in the program. Service alone will not keep you
clean. I found this out the hard way about 15 years ago. It wasn’t until
I added the steps that I was able to stay clean. I have been accused of building
a service resume many times. I have to smile about this. Many years ago I
was told that if you want to stay clean to surround yourself with recovery
addicts. I couldn’t think of a better way to surround myself with recovering
addicts than to be of service to NA. You see this makes me laugh at my accusers,
as this wasn’t what it is about and never will be for me. When I see
someone leave the program I also analyze their situation to the best of my
ability. Why? It’s really simple. I don’t want to make the same
mistake. I would rather die than go back to where I came from. I like turning
on and off my own lights and locking my own door.
Where does service start? My service started in my home group and I only believe
in having one home group. I was taught to lead by example in NA by my sponsor.
We were at an area function in Austin several years ago and I learned a very
valuable lesson from my sponsor. We were all standing outside smoking and
my sponsor started picking up cigarette butts on the ground. As a result the
rest of us did the same and he could have asked us to pick up the butts and
we would have. To this day I still pick up cigarette butts outside of meetings.
There are many factors that drive newcomers and old timers away from the program.
I have only discussed a few. One more is trying to force a religion on a person
in the program. I have heard a few people try to get their sponsee’s
to go to a particular religious service when beginning the second step. I
have heard people ask if they have found or accepted a particular religious
figure in their life at meeting places or if your higher power isn’t
***** ****** you are going to burn in ****. NA IS NOT A RELIGIOUS PROGRAM.
I have the right to choose my own higher power and I don’t need some
idiot telling me I need to go to a religious service. As in the Third Step,
I make that decision and no one has the right to tell me who my higher power
has to be that I turn my will and my life over to. This drives and turns people
off.
Anonymous
The Passing of an Era, I Don't Think So
....My
Grand Sponsor has passed on to that NA meeting in the Sky. Some say this was
the passing of an era, but I disagree. Some of us were able to attend his
memorial service in Los Angeles. I don’t know about the rest of my sponsee
brothers, but this memorial service more than just touched the inner core
of my heart and soul. I was more than just blown completely away at this service.
I had no idea of all of the selfless service that Bobby R. has given to the
program that he so loved….Narcotics Anonymous. I will admit that several
times in the memorial service that I had tears in my eyes as did most of us
recovering addicts. I sincerely believe that most of us that were there had
the fire of recovery rekindled into a blazing flame.
...The most predominate thing that I got to see
was that my sponsor is passing to us what his sponsor has passed to him. No
one can question Bobby’s recovery or contributions to the service structure
of Narcotics Anonymous. I could list some of his contributions and service
positions, but this I will not do as Bobby was a humble man that devoted his
life to the program of Narcotics Anonymous. He truly lived a program of recovery
in his life to the very end and you know what? We will continue to pass this
recovery to our sponsee’s and hopefully they will continue to do the
same. So in this I will say that yes Bobby has passed on, but his recovery
and his tremendous passion for Narcotics Anonymous will continue a long time
through his sponsee’s, grand sponsee’s, and down the line. Bobby
R. we will never forget you and all of your selfless service to the program
of Narcotics Anonymous that you loved so much.
Bob
T.
Service is Part of My Recovery!!!
How has service contributed to my recovery? Where should I begin??
When I returned to the fellowship in March of 2003, I made the decision, without reservation, that I wanted to be “in recovery”!! I got a sponsor, I found a home group, developed a support group and I began working steps (not necessarily in that order!) I also made a decision to be of service to this fellowship in conjunction with a process called recovery. My higher power, my application of this program in my life, and the service work that I do in this fellowship, has not only saved my life, but has taught me how to live and to give back to others.
When I was about 90 days clean, my sponsor invited me to a subcommittees meeting. This was my first introduction to any kind of service. I was nervous about going, because I really didn’t know anyone, but I just showed up anyway. Little did I know that being of service in this manner was going to introduce me to a whole new network of recovering addicts! I thought the “Activities” subcommittee sounded interesting, so that was the table that I sat down at. That was just the beginning. I have been involved in some sort of service work ever since. Whether it has been at my home group, a subcommittee, the ASC or even the RSC – I’ve continuously been involved in service.
The Activities subcommittee really helped me get out of myself.. I attended monthly subcommittee meetings and offered my thoughts and ideas about our area events. It brought out a creative side of me that I never really recognized before. That subcommittee was hard work, but very rewarding. It was a lot of fun participating in the events behind the scenes and watching everyone have a good time. I started to feel a tiny bit of self-esteem and self-worth in my life – something I’ve never had!
I eventually found a home group and started attending my group’s monthly group conscience. It was here that I was introduced as to what some call the “business” side of the meeting. I listened as the secretary ran the meeting. It was very interested as I listened to the treasurer, secretary and GSR reports. I was exposed to another side of Narcotics Anonymous. I wanted to get involved, and after discussing it with my sponsor, I was nominated and elected as the treasurer of my home group. Nothing like jumping right in!! I remember feeling emotionally overwhelmed. I cannot begin to explain how I felt being elected to such a position. This group had enough trust in me that they would allow me to keep track of the group’s 7th Tradition monies. I felt honored to be able to serve my home group in this way. I continued to be of service by just showing up regularly to make the coffee, setting up the chairs or helping to clean up after the meeting. For the first time in my life, I started to feel a part of something. I was a member of Narcotics Anonymous, in recovery and being of service.
I became involved in my area’s ASC (Area Service Committee) by representing my group as the Alternate GSR and eventually the GSR (Group Service Representative). I gathered information and brought it back to my home group. I began to understand the importance of this commitment and how it related to the over all service structure of Narcotics Anonymous. It is through these types of service commitments that I have found my “voice” and have learned how to express my self assertively and not aggressively-which has always been my nature. I’d like to think that I have done a lot of growing up through my service commitments, in front of my fellow addicts, and that some of what I have learned has over-flowed into my professional life. Today I am teachable.
I have to be honest by saying at some point early on in my service work, that I felt these positions gave me a sense of “importance” and “look at me.” I’ve come to understand, through working the steps, that this is my “ego”, and that this is not why we do service work. We do it to give back to the fellowship, help a newcomer, and to get out of “self.” I feel that my motives today are just that – to be of service and to give back what was so freely given to me. It’s not about me.
Service work is not always fun, but it is necessary!! I believe everyone has a place in service within Narcotics Anonymous. Many of us do it our home groups. This is such an important part of service work!! This is where it all begins. Making sure the meeting gets opened for that newcomer who just might show up that day. Other members have a way of working with the public and choose to work with Public Information – letting the community know that we are here. Some of us have a passion for H&I and carrying the message into treatment centers and prisons. I have found that my personal niche is participating at the ASC and RSC levels. I enjoy participating in these types of levels of service. They happen to align up with a lot of what I do professionally. Many members stay away from these types of service commitments, and that is OK. However, I do encourage everyone, at some point, to attend one of these types of service meetings at least once. To me, it’s pretty cool seeing the service structure in action.
I am grateful to my sponsor at the time who introduced me to different levels of service. She was doing her part, as a sponsor, to introduce me to all facets of Narcotics Anonymous. She even took me to a prison once – what a wonderful experience! I’ll never forget it. I love this fellowship and I’ve known from an early age that I belonged here. It’s through my Higher Power’s love for me and the love of this fellowship that has brought me to this point in my life today. I have a wonderful life and am grateful for the opportunity to be able to give back through service work in Narcotics Anonymous.
Hugs,
Kim S.
Austin, TX
My Concept of an H.P
We
turned our will and our life over to the care of God as We understood Him.
God to me has become something greater, a spirit, who is all
knowing, all-seeing, and all present if I look for it. It's that
small still voice that let's me know when something is right or
wrong for me. God is a guide. I have learned to be a great
listener and to have faith. I believe that God is there and will
not let me fall if I place trust in Him. God is nature and order,
loving, understanding, and he offers it unconditionally. God is
peace and serenity. God can do for me what I cannot do for myself.
He is a good listener and provides me what with what I need. He
doesn't give me everything I want. He is like a father, who will
only let me have what's good for me. He will help me with whatever
I ask. He has the power to do great and wonderful things like
changing minds, hearts, and souls. He is a great mender. He is who
I'd like to be like. He is surely a spirit, who has touched my
heart thru music, spirit, and people. He is a friend, counselor,
and confidant. He is a teacher. Sometimes in music, I find a song
that is romantic that is for only me and my God. The spiritual part
of this program is like a love affair. I love God and God loves me.
I need Him in my life to take my pain, my broken heart and spirit
and make it new again, to hold my hand and heart while I cry; and to
bring me joy and laughter; to strengthen my courage and belief in
taking risks and making better choices to help in letting go...My
H.P. Is working thru the help of my sponsor, people in recovery, and
the messages I hear in meetings and the book. He comes in many
forms...
Cheryl H. - Canyon Lake, Texas
Poems
A JUNKIE DIED TODAY
They saw
a tear run down her cheek.
The fear in her eyes had turned to sadness.
Her love, her life, her pain, he had finally overdosed.
The rain began to fall as her tears flowed freely now.
There he was….slumped over in a ball.
He had been in a stall when he pushed his last plunger.
All he had left was an empty rig, cooker, a bic lighter,and
a cup of water with a torn cigarette filter beside him.
His pockets were worn and empty.
He had lost his pain, his hurt, and his tremendous guilt.
Finally it was over, but his love, his pride, his dreams, the gleam in his
eyes of days past, she had remained….never leaving his side, as she
loved him so.
But now his shame and dreams of a good life were gone.
The only thing he had left was his wife and his life and now his life was
gone.
You see a junkie died today.
What a shame it was.
He had never felt a part of Narcotics Anonymous.
Not that he wasn't’ welcomed…..he never reached out.
He never gave himself a chance just for today.
That had been her last glimmer of hope.
Now the pain begins again….a junkie died today.
Bob T. - San Antonio, Texas
1993
THE WRONG LOVE
SHE’S
BEAUTIFUL SHE’S EVIL
SHE’LL STEAL YOUR MIND THEN YOUR SOUL
SHE’LL BE YOUR FRIEND AND COMPANION
UNTIL SHE HAS GAINED COMPLETE CONTROL
SHE’S
A BEAUTIFUL LADY, SO EASY TO LOVE,
NEVER ASKING FOR ANYTHING, SIMPLY GIVING WHAT SHE DOES.
SHE HELPS TAKE AWAY THE FEAR, THE HURT AND THE PAIN,
ONLY GIVING AND HELPING WITH NOTHING TO GAIN.
SO COMPLIANT AND GENTLE, TO HELP SHE IS WILLING,
NO WONDER YOU LOVE HER AS YOUR NEEDS SHE IS FILLING.
SHE MAKES YOU FEEL STRONG, SO FEARLESS AND SMART,
YOU’LL NEVER SEE IT COMING AS SHE RIPS OUT YOUR HEART.
SHE’S
BEAUTIFUL SHE’S EVIL
SHE’LL STEAL YOUR MIND THEN YOUR SOUL
SHE’LL BE YOUR FRIEND AND COMPANION
UNTIL SHE HAS GAINED COMPLETE CONTROL
A DEVILISH MISTRESS, A BITCH IN DISGUISE.
STEALING LIFE FROM YOUR SOUL WHILE PUTTING STARS IN YOUR EYES.
SHE’LL MAKE YOU DO THINGS YOU WOULDN’T CONSIDER OTHERWISE.
THAT THEY’RE HER THINGS NOT YOURS ONE DAY YOU MAY REALIZE.
IF SHE HASN’T KISSED YOUR LIPS YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING,
BUT IF YOU’VE MET HEED MY WARNING OF THE TRAP SHE IS LAYING.
WHEN YOU’RE SCARED AND LONELY SHE’LL KNOW THE TIMES RIPE
FOR HER TO COME CALLING AND SHE’LL BE YOUR CRACK PIPE.
David M.
San Marcos